


Fail

by ascii



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Other, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-09
Updated: 2014-09-09
Packaged: 2018-02-16 19:43:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2282259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ascii/pseuds/ascii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>shit gets fucked. wash gets fucked. everything is fucked. fuck.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fail

**Author's Note:**

> okay so obviously if you have any suicide/mental health triggers this is not for you

_**They’re dead. They’re dead. I need them back. Are they back? They’re not dead. Maybe maybe maybe there’s a chance we can save them. We have to think of a way to save them.** I can’t see this no not again. Make it stop make it stop make it stop. No please I don’t want them to die! Oh god they’re dead and there’s nothing we can do.  **We need to stay here. We need to stay away or we’ll hurt them. We need-** It won’t stop it won’t stop! We can’t stop it! They’re all going to die and it’s our fault. Our fault we killed them.  
_

Wash can’t tell Epsilon’s thoughts from his own. He isn’t sure if he’s lost it yet, but then again he isn’t sure of anything.  _ **Oh god oh god do you see it do you see it-**  Yes I do yes I do. _His mind never shuts up. He doesn’t know the date, but he knows exactly how long Epsilon has been in his head. He only leaves his room for missions, and he’s been getting less and less of those as malnutrition wears on.  _Tenth place. **For two weeks.**_ Wash scoffs.  _Fail._  York and North visit every day, and every day Wash promises that he’s eating and sleeping. (They always bring something for him to drink. No getting out of that.) He only talks to them if he has to, since his mind is too scrambled to hold a conversation. **  
**

His mind is too scrambled to do anything. He spends his days sitting in bed, near comatose. All he has the strength to do is lie there as the memories replay again and again and again. Epsilon is always in pain, always begging for it to stop and hating itself. Wash is the same. Training is exhausting, when he does show up he fails miserably. All he can think about is the memories, how everyone is dead. Everyone is going to die. Because of him.

Wash is sitting in his room one day, crying a little because he knows he’s gone off the deep end. North knocks on his door. “Hey buddy, can I come in?” Wash doesn’t answer, but North lets himself in. “York’s really worried about you, man. Are you sure you’ve been eating?”

"Yes."  _ **What is he doing here?! He needs to go away.** He does he does he can’t be here he can’t.  **We’re going to mess up! We need to get rid of him we need to do something!** He can’t keep trying to help us! We can’t be helped, why won’t he just let us fade away? We need to get rid of him._

"You look sick. You need to get out of your room. I don’t know what’s been going on and I’ve been assuming that you just need a little time alone, but this has gotten out of control. What do you say we go get you some food-"

Wash has sat up now. “No.”  _ **No** No **No** No **No** No **No** No **No** No.  
_

"C’mon Wash, this isn’t healthy-"

"No!"  _ **We can’t do that! We can’t leave!** He’s trying to make us leave. He’s trying to make us get out! Oh no no no, we can’t have that- **Stop him!** We can’t leave! We can’t leave we- we aren’t strong enough. All we can do is remember. And stay away. Keep them safe **. We can’t keep them safe. Just remember.** Just remember. **No leaving!** No leaving._

North is dead. Wash has realized he just stabbed his teammate twelve times.  _ **I knew it.**_

"Oh god. North? North? Please be alive! Answer me North! Please be okay! Please don’t be dead!! North! No-" It’s happening again.  _ **We can’t keep them safe. We can never keep them safe.** We’ve failed. We’ve failed everyone. We told them to stay away. **They wouldn’t listen. Wouldn’t listen!**_ Wash holds North for a long time. The memories are still playing, but at the moment they seem harmless compared to what he’s just done.

_**We need to hide the body.** I know. **Should we hide?** Yes, we’ll lock our door. **Should we kill ourselves?** It’s amazing we haven’t yet. **They’re going to come for us.** I hope so._

Wash has never hid a body before. He thinks someone told him in training once, but the memory has been lost in Epsilon. There could be a camera in his room too; he never knows when the Director is watching. He was too overwhelmed to think straight- he was scared, angry, and sad. Mostly sad.

Without any idea of what to do, he stuffed North in his closet and locked the door.  _Now we wait._

Waiting meant lying down, alone, with nothing but the memories. Sometimes he could hear people walking around outside or even talking, but most of it was the deafening silence, the utter loneliness that consumed him. All he had was a water bottle and a couple of snacks, neither of which he wanted to eat or drink. Wash prayed that he’d starve, because as much as he wanted to retrieve the knife from North’s corpse and off himself, he was too scared.

_**Please. Please, please, please! Kill me!**  Kill me! Kill me! Kill me! **I want to die so bad! So very bad!**  Me too! Me too… me too.  **How could we? How could we?!**  He trusted us! He wanted to help! But we killed him.  **That’s what we’ve always done.**  Fail.  **That’s all we ever do.** Fail._

Then Wash remembered.  _ **Theta.**_  ”Oh No.” North’s A.I. had been sitting in his friend’s corpse, all alone, for hours.  _We have to get him out. **We can’t have more voices, we can’t subject him to us.**  We have to. **I know, but-**  _Wash began to transfer Theta into his head. North would have wanted his A.I. to be okay, and that’s all that matters to the both of them.

They regret it immediately.  **Why did you transfer me?! I-I wanted to be with North! I was happy… You… you killed my friend! My only best friend! I don’t think I like it here… I want to go, please let me go.**   _Theta-_ ** _We saved you! We saved you._** _Be thankful, Theta._   **C-c-can I get out of here? _No._  You’re-I- What? Wash… ple- ** _You’re not going anywhere, Theta. No **rth would have** **wanted you to make it.**  So you’re going to make it._Theta cries a lot, and Wash does too. He’s glad, because he thinks he might finally die of dehydration. Then he finishes his water bottle, and he can’t believe he was too scared to do it.  _Worst failure ever. Of all time._

Finally, someone knocks on his door. “Wash. I can’t find North.” It’s York. “Did he come to see you yesterday? Open the door. Wash? C’mon dude, I’m worried about you. You’ve been hiding. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaash. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaash. Please? … … Well you can’t say I didn’t ask politely first.” York opens the door on his own. Fucking locksmith.

"Get out." Wash says. His mind is chanting the same thing.

"Who you calling old- Whoa. You look sick. Are you okay?"

"No. Get out."

"I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what’s going on. When was the last time you left your room?"

"I don’t know. Get out." The knife stiffens in Wash’s hand.

"When did you last eat?! When did you last drink?!" York turns his head towards the closet.

"Get out." Wash’s mind is on fire.  **I’m going to tell him. _No reason to._** _It’s only a matter of time now._

"Wash."

"Get out."

"Wash… There’s a foot sticking out of your closet. Is that a real foot? Is there a real life foot in your closet? I was gonna make a joke but if there’s a real foot in your actual closet-"

"Get out."  _It’s time._

York opens the closet and falls to his knees. His trembling hands cover his mouth when he discovers North. “Did you… Wash?! Fucking Christ, tell me you didn’t do this! Holy SHIT!”

_**You know what to do. It’s time.** _  
_Before I do this, I want you to know I always hated you._  
 **_I hated you the most._ **  
**I’m sorry, Wash. I’m sorry about wanting to tell on you.**  
 _It’s alright. I won’t hold a grudge._

Wash grabs the knife. “I’m sorry, York.” He slits his throat. The memories flood his head. Six lives flash before his eyes, and he can’t even catch his own.  _Fail._  He hears York scream for help. He hears the living Dakota swear loudly. He hears F.I.L.S.S.  _Mission Failure. Mission Fail. Fail. Fail. Fail._

**Goodbye North. Goodbye Alpha.**  
 _**Goodbye Allison. Goodbye Director.** _  
_Goodbye, Epsilon. “Goodbye York.”_

"Goodbye… Wash," York managed to choke out, staring not at his dying friend, but at the blood on his hands.

_No, please don’t say goodbye. I hate goodbyes._


End file.
